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Kristen Stewart: Twilight grump turns me off

Twilight star Kristen Stewart is the only woman in the world our poker pervert would turn down...

by Poker Pervert PokerJolt August, 30th 2010
Overall: 5
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Twilight star Kristen Stewart is a miserable teenage grump

Above: Twilight star Kristen Stewart is a miserable teenage grump

Ironically, amid all Kristen Stewart's panic about not being dead, her acting almost killed me.

Being a poker pervert doesn't mean I only think about women who play poker.

I'm much more perverted than that.

Fat ones, thin ones, tall ones, short ones, hell even hairy French ones. If it's female, legal and has a pulse, I'm pot committed.

With one exception: Kristen Stewart, that miserable teenage hag from the Twilight films.

What the HELL is all that about?

To summarise the movies...

She's just sprouted her cahoonas and is in a massively bad mood because she has to go live with her dad in a town called 'Forks' (yes, really, stick with it...).

Then she's in a massive mood because she can't find a boyfriend.

Then she finds a chap who she really likes...oh, hang on, no, he's dead.

She rapidly gets even more grumpy because she's NOT also dead and he won't kill her with his plastic teeth.

Ironically, amid all this panic about her 'not being dead', her acting almost killed me.

This endless teenage angst crap, never looking anyone in the eye and mumbling under her breath about 'destiny' and 'being together'.

Then I saw the real-life Miss Stewart on TV at a film premiere and realised she wasn't in character in Twilight. She actually is THAT miserable and full of mumbling teenage claptrap.

Well, Kristen, congratulations.

You're the first two-legged woman in history I would willingly turn down.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

 

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